Beth Hendricks's blog

So, I walked 10 miles yesterday. Pain does not begin to cover what I feel in my body right now...I need a hip and butt replacement. Why my butt hurts I just don't know...But it does. I know what your asking... Why; right? What for? Why did you bring this pain on your self... Well it was for a good cause. The BCM here at my university has a yearly fundraiser for missions and this year I got to join in on all the hip replacement fun. But, it really wasn't the fundraiser that really made me think, to say it wasn't the cause that mattered most to me that day would be true. I struggle with my weight as you can figure out and It's been an off and on battle since birth, I can remember being on a diet at 6 years old. Yeah, I started young. Praise God I have never had an eating disorder. I've only barfed twice in my life due only to food poisoning... And that's all. , I'm not an exercise freak. So, this whole walking just because I can thing is a foreign concept. But it was in my last 4 mile streak that I was so far back in the group that I would never catch up and God took a walk with me...Well sometime I think I kind of dragged him along but I know he was willing. Anyway, lets go back to the beginning of this story. This weekend I had a chat with my dad and we were talking about a few aggravations we had in our spiritual walk and I was venting and came to the conclusion that my walk and my weight were related and if I fixed one what I needed in the other areas would come along with it. It's like this I have 95 extra bricks (aka. Pounds) and that the only really good thing bricks were for was to make a wall. So I have a 95 brick-brick wall. So, I have waged war against this wall. However, I have waged war in the past and I have not won. So, what weapon; what arsenal do I have that will ensure my victory this round. I don't want to have to go through this again... It's not the pain that I'm worried about it's my will power that worries me. Do I have enough? Do I understand the true value of the victories that God has given me or am I meant to roll down this road of pudginess? I really don't know. My heart says victory is mine and all I have to do is take it, but I've reach out before and gained 5 pounds, so I'm timid with right. Yet, after my walk Sunday I realized I was capable of really getting out there and doing something, I really can get out and walk 10 miles and If I can do that then I can work out (I still hate the thought of going to a gym) even if it is at home or with a friend. God has already given me the grace and the skill to go and be a part of something rather than just playing a victim of a so called curse. I can win this. And with Christ I will. Lets also understand a few things here. I'm not doing this for somebody or something. This is me... All me. I have fought and cried and struggled and waited and wished my weight away. Well, it hasn't gone away and now I'm just mad. Yes, down right ticked off. Mostly, at myself, after all I'm the one who decided to put the food in my mouth I'm the one who decided my fate with food. I made the choice, now I have to un-choose, I have to start fresh and make better choices not just with food but in everything, my friendships, my work, my relationship with Jesus. All of these things I can use to surround and fill my life in a positive way. This will be my arsenal, the blessings that God has given be will be my AK47's and Jesus is my General, I won't lead this war he will. That's what makes this so easy about not being about me, what could happen to people if they look at me and never seen the victories that Jesus had given me, would I be as nearly as impacting as I could be probably not. But, if they could if people could see that there really is victory in Jesus, over whatever they had in their lives, weight, drugs, prono, lies, whatever Satan uses to bring us away from Christ, can end up being our greatest testimony. If and only if we give Christ our temptations will we ever see real victory. My problem was I tried to do this on my own, even when I prayed about it, it was still because it was what "I" thought should be done, not because I really thought God was going to do anything about it. But, now I've made a step in the right direction...I hope. That I really can not do this by myself. This is not like anyother addiction, I can't just lock myself in a room and detox'. I have to eat to live, food is something I will always be around so I have to learn to live with it as a tool, not my validation. It has been such for a long, long time. My validation does not come from cheesecake or even my parents (altogether they contribute much more than the cheesecake does) but my validation come from the grace that God laid on the alter when his son died for me. It was then, that amazing gift of unconditional love that gave me my reason to live and the validation that I am good enough for God even when the rest of humanity says other wise. Pray for me my friends, this is a long road ahead of me.