Sandy Casey's blog

Wow, what an eye opener this morning as I had another sleepless night, but read some in Sally Miller's book. I had tried reading it several years ago and just wasn't into it. But today, I read it through a different lens and it struck a chord.

Quoting from the book, p. 15-17:

"Presumptive self-confidence may look like faith, but it has a very different spiritual root (Jer. 17:5-10). Faith and presumption look alike because both qualities are characterized by confidence, but faith begins in the recognition and acceptance of our total human weakness. It relies solely on God and his gracious willingness to empower us.

Presumption, on the other hand, is a reliance on human moral abilities and religious accomplishments, on visible securities. It ultimately relies on human will power to serve God and people. In my case, I was unknowingly relying on Jack, or past successes, or my own abilities. And I came to see that a mix of presumption and faith produces a personal instability that surfaces in crises and major life transitions.

From God's point of view, the lack of faith is a great evil, the root of countless other evils. In James 1, we learn that in times of deeper testing, many religious people appear "wave-driven" and "double-minded". Such people cannot "receive anything from the Lord" (James 1:6-7). Faith alone links life to God and His abundant, fatherly grace. If this communication line is cut, the soul wanders alone, orphanlike.

This has never been an easy thing to see, but the difficulty is heightened today by our determination to reduce every problem and sin to its psychological manifestations. I was also confused because I did have some measure of true faith, but it was tainted - and rendered powerless-by my presumptive trust in my own strength.

How God Reaches Us
How does God deal with such a hidden sin pattern in his children? First he must expose it. What does presumptive faith depend on for its existence? It must have positive circumstances and feelings of success based on visible accomplishments. So when God wants to reach us, he must take away those favorable circumstances and accomplishments.

He hits hard at our false trusts. Our confidence in ourselves is shaken by life changes; we fight back. We increase our demands upon our "strengths", be they inner qualities, outer achievements, or other people. But only emptiness follows. Like the orphan we cry, "I am abandoned," when in fact God's grace is pursuing us ever more intensely.

Today, I can see the love behind the Father's plan. But back then I thought my fundamental problems were psychological, emotional and marital. Today I can see that the root of my problem was that I did not know God personally with any depth. I did not even know what was going on in my own rebellious heart. I was actively resisting grace and its implications for the way I lived my life, but I did not know it.

So God left me alone. so to speak, that the revelation of my insufficiency would also show me God's sufficiency. He was withdrawing his presence so that I would reach out to his grace for help. He was saying to me, his demanding creature, "I have let you bring yourself to this place of loneliness and guilt. Now I want you to listen to me."

I wish I could say I had listened. I didn't. I read a lot of Christian how-to books to cope with my problems, but they failed me, because I filtered them through the grid of my self-trust and self-reliance. I really thought that method and technique and new kinds of order and organization were the level at which my problems would be solved."

End of Quote

I have often wished for more of something when that ache hits. More of my husband's adoration and attention, more organization, "a place for everything and everything in its place", more normalcy in my life, a better routine, focus on health, etc. yet no matter what relief comes, it is only temporary. When will I learn that those signs of feeling alone and frustrated are sent to bring me to Jesus, even when I'm trying to fight out of disillusionment? I'm beginning to think this is just the process of life - that because I'm such a mess, God slowly and gently brings me along to places of more "self-realization" to help me see the orphanlike behavior I've learned to depend on.....so I will get frustrated and give up and let Him lead me to His grace again.

Amazing how much things can change in just the matter of months. When I wrote my first blog, I was seeing how much God was changing my life, and now I seem to be inundated with how much there is to change.

A good example is last night.....our second Coffee Connection for the Catalyst group. Our group is pretty small - only 5 plus me. In front of the two pastors of the church, they all said that Tuesday night was a great time, and they would commit themselves to being there. Last week was our first week - (which was a mistake that we had to make right) and there were four, plus 3 sponsors. Then this week, whose date has been advertised for over a month - and 3 of them don't come. They all called but it was still disappointing to me. My daughter came, because she knew it would encourage me.....even though she lives on the other side of town, so that was cool! And the one regular who came - it was a joy to talk with him. He's growing in his faith and excited about getting activities together.....so maybe that was what God was all about is helping to make him a leader......whatever, I am coming to grips with the fact that this is not about me and what Sandy wants to do. It is about Jesus and what His plan and His kingdom is all about. And when I get myself in the way, as I did last night and today, everything looks pretty grim. But when I get myself out of the way.....God will work. He's promised He would....here we are trying to help build the kingdom and He's going to show up......He promised where 2 or 3 are gathered in His name.......He'd be there. So instead of being so worried about whether the problem is me, whether people feel free not coming because I'm too easy or because I'll always be there, or it's some other reason, I need to focus on WHO He is and WHAT He wants me to do.......my performance and desire for approval kills the ability for the Spirit to work, and it's got to go......but I seem to hang on to it pretty stubbornly. That seems to be where I keep finding my security instead of in Jesus and whatever He has planned.

But I'm grateful He never gives up on me.......there's hope because of Jesus and His incredible Gospel.

Yeah, I know! Start out spiritual right?? Well because this journey I am on is so incredible, I can't help but talk about it. For years now, I have felt dry and passionless in my Christian walk......finding it hard to do much of anything without generating my own enthusiasm and coming up with my own ideas. It wasn't that the Spirit didn't how up - He did........in incredible ways, but I was so busy "acting" that I didn't even recognize Him, most of the time. Sometimes I knew it was Him because there was just no other explanation for what happened.

But all of that is changing.......it began in January of 2007 and it was a culmination of my sister Sharon, and my niece Natalee praying for me. I had pushed them away as they tried to describe their transformations......thinking they were just too negative and down on themselves. But God was working and I finally prayed that I could be like the woman who anointed Jesus Feet and wiped them with her hair - I wanted to worship. I was hungry - the verses "She that hath been forgiven much loveth much" permeated my soul. And I joined Gospel Friendships......a radical ministry led by Dave McCarty, who knows just how to use his own weaknesses and vulnerability to help others. I'm learning that it is in my weakness and utter failure and helplessness that Jesus is truly seen. That without that total dependence on Jesus my life just won't work.......that Jesus must be enough for me every day of my life, every moment. And I'm finding that finally, after 19 months or reading, listening and searching, it's finally coming together. I'm getting better at listening to the Spirit.......because I've realized that I can't. Naturally, I don't even want to. I want to do it my own way - follow my natural leader, plan it all out and execute. But in the Christian life that'll kill you if you're not like a little child, totally dependent on your Daddy!

Every day is different......some I'm living in the light of the Spirit and others I'm stumbling along, feeling a little too cocky about my abilities and plans. But God is gently leading.......always in pursuit and I am learning to love my new found hope and passion.